Codependency Recovery: Do’s and Don’ts of Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist.

THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS.

I’m not sure where it’s going.

For now, this it to help me own and embody my own wisdom as I set, reflect on, and adjust my boundaries with BK- the father of my two boys and the wonderfully covert narcissist in my life.

It’s an ongoing list. Updated often. Here goes: 

When changing boundaries:

8.14.17

Don’t: concern yourself with whether your narcissist  will like, or even understand, what you’re doing.

Don’t worry about whether you come across as “nice.” Tightened boundaries aren’t going to feel “nice” to those who’ve reaped the benefits of the “looser” terms.

Don’t over-explain your motivation behind the boundaries to your N. For example, don’t tell your  N that you’re doing it as part of your recovery. This exposes vulnerability and gives your N a means to fuck with your head. Don’t tell N it’s about their pathology, either. This will trigger narcissistic injury and they’ll likely go on the offence. Just state the boundary as clearly and with as much neutrality as you can, and move on.

And breathe.

Do Breathe.

12/20 I write online to engage with Other, in my journal to engage with Self. Other is everything seemingly outside of Self. I say seemingly because I know somewhere deep inside that nothing exists outside of Self. It’s all an illusion, I get that, but it’s a damn powerful one. I find myself pulled back and forth between the two, perhaps more interested- habituated to- Other.  Self has been tempting me more than usual, lately. And She’s easier to be around these days. I’m actually enjoying Her company, which makes me more clear around Other.
Speaking of Other-
BK has been here a lot. Every day. He’s stayed over four nights in a row. In the mancave with the boys. This is wonderful when I don’t over think it and maybe pretty sweet even when I do. It’s my Detachment Practice. He’s not my business. I can love him and coparent with him and maybe even be his friend at some point, but his journey is his own. As I long I keep this in mind we’re good. When I go into the future and project all that could happen I get into trouble with it.
My unexamined stressful thought:
I wont be able to move on if he’s around all the time.
The truth I found:
Yes, I will, when it’s time. But right now it’s not time for that sort of distraction, anyway. It’s time for me to focus on my Self, my purpose, my kids and their growth….so much to get a grip on, no time for drama.
12/21
Speaking of drama, he’s AWOL again. He’s hereherehere and then…poof. No call no show. The good news? It doesn’t consume me anymore. It doesn’t throw me off my groove. I know longer allow myself the distraction of stressing over it.
Does it hurt the boys? I don’t know. It doesn’t give them an ideal impression of where a father should spend his time but I might as well normalize it.
It doesn’t have to be awkward.
My unexamined stressful thought:
I have a lot to do this week and he’s bailing on me. 
He should be communicative right now because Christmas is just a few days away. 
The truth I found:
This isn’t about me. He’s stressed, too. How can I best take care of myself? Calendar when he DOES get here, figure out the best way to spend what time I have. KNOW that I have plenty of time to get ready for Christmas because all I really need to get ready is to get my heart in a good place. 

This.

This, from a wise friend on Facebook:

You become what you do with your focus and your intention. If you spend your days with people you don’t feel connected with, if you spend your life in a relationship with a person you don’t really want to be with, if you spend your life working on a part of your business that is not particularly important, this is your life. These acts are what comprise your time here on earth.
If you spend your time micromanaging your life or someone else’s life or if you spend a large part of your day scrolling on facebook or checking emails you are likely to experience disappointment. If you spend your time feeding your addictions or numbing yourself you are likely to experience loss and grief at some point.
If you spend your time with people you deeply connect with, if you minimize your checking emails and facebook scrolling and maximize your human connection time, your joyful learning, creating, gardening, community building time, your earth based time or whatever is close to your deep body-soul-being then your life may be quite different.
Surrender to the other life that is waiting for you. You don’t have to force yourself, just follow your real joy with fierce focus and intent and let some greater power work through you. If you live in this way, you will spiral upwards; even more love will come into your life
Your real talents and powers are right there under your nose, you have had them all along. The treasure is buried in your back garden
If you locate and work on the most important, the most courageous, easeful and soul-uplifting human or earth connections or parts of your business that you can, then you may begin to take flight and experience freedom. If you focus on the things that really serve life on earth then your life may begin to take on the contours of your dreams and your deepest soul.

~ Jason Hine

M just now….

M: Ya know, Mom, it’s true that knowledge is power. But it’s ALSO true that it’s dangerous when misused, just like Power.
Me: Hmmm…. That’s a good point. What brought that thought up?
M: Just my head. I’m sure the game I’ve been playing helped, though. That’s kinda the theme of it….the perils of misused knowledge. A kid can really learn a lot from video games.
Gleefully flaps his hands a little, clearly satisfied with himself… walks away….

#sunsetsaturdays

img_1594
Night and Day

As the water cools this time of year M can be most easily persuaded to swim at sunset “when the name of the day alliterates with the sun.” He quickly dives through a few waves, checks out the sailboats and heads back to shore where I wrap him in as many towels as possible. He spends the rest of the time telling me about his latest gaming ventures, pondering life and people watching.

D will go in anytime- no matter what sound starts the name of the day. He finds random kids to play wave-diving games with and usually has to be persuaded out from under the sea foam with promises of Truffle fries at Shaka Shack Burgers on the way home. No chit chat after- just giggles as I warm him up and race him to the car.

I marvel often at how different they are from each other.
They’re my night and day.

Day 1: Dear Sweet Self

Dear Sweet Self
When you love yourself you’ll:
♡ drink water infused with good energy from loving thoughts.
♡ stop comparing yourself to anyone.
♡ stop obsessing over the new life of the man you can’t seem to stop loving.
♡ learn to obsess over your own inner Love and the contemplation of how to increase this Love .
♡ learn to love this man in a boundaried way.
♡ focus on your own Self love before anyone and let it spill over into the hearts of your Beloveds.
♡ fake it til you  make it.
♡ work to keep your energy high.
♡ learn to stop comparing even your energy to anyone else’s.
♡ meditate.
♡ examine stressful thoughts with the Work.
♡ do two Worksheets per day. At least.
♡ let go of untrue thoughts. Repeat. Again and again.
♡ label stressful thoughts as they occur…comparing, judging,  anger,  jealousy.  Welcome them.  Say hello to them.
♡ get on your mat and move freely.
♡ dance daily.
♡ be of service.  Seek out ways.
♡ play with the boys.
♡ find ways to laugh.

Be Love. It will find you.
Be Love. It will find you.