THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS.
I’m not sure where it’s going.
For now, this it to help me own and embody my own wisdom as I set, reflect on, and adjust my boundaries with BK- the father of my two boys and the wonderfully covert narcissist in my life.
It’s an ongoing list. Updated often. Here goes:
When changing boundaries:
Don’t: concern yourself with whether your narcissist will like, or even understand, what you’re doing.
Don’t worry about whether you come across as “nice.” Tightened boundaries aren’t going to feel “nice” to those who’ve reaped the benefits of the “looser” terms.
Don’t over-explain your motivation behind the boundaries to your N. For example, don’t tell your N that you’re doing it as part of your recovery. This exposes vulnerability and gives your N a means to fuck with your head. Don’t tell N it’s about their pathology, either. This will trigger narcissistic injury and they’ll likely go on the offence. Just state the boundary as clearly and with as much neutrality as you can, and move on.