12/20 I write online to engage with Other, in my journal to engage with Self. Other is everything seemingly outside of Self. I say seemingly because I know somewhere deep inside that nothing exists outside of Self. It’s all an illusion, I get that, but it’s a damn powerful one. I find myself pulled back and forth between the two, perhaps more interested- habituated to- Other.  Self has been tempting me more than usual, lately. And She’s easier to be around these days. I’m actually enjoying Her company, which makes me more clear around Other.
Speaking of Other-
BK has been here a lot. Every day. He’s stayed over four nights in a row. In the mancave with the boys. This is wonderful when I don’t over think it and maybe pretty sweet even when I do. It’s my Detachment Practice. He’s not my business. I can love him and coparent with him and maybe even be his friend at some point, but his journey is his own. As I long I keep this in mind we’re good. When I go into the future and project all that could happen I get into trouble with it.
My unexamined stressful thought:
I wont be able to move on if he’s around all the time.
The truth I found:
Yes, I will, when it’s time. But right now it’s not time for that sort of distraction, anyway. It’s time for me to focus on my Self, my purpose, my kids and their growth….so much to get a grip on, no time for drama.
12/21
Speaking of drama, he’s AWOL again. He’s hereherehere and then…poof. No call no show. The good news? It doesn’t consume me anymore. It doesn’t throw me off my groove. I know longer allow myself the distraction of stressing over it.
Does it hurt the boys? I don’t know. It doesn’t give them an ideal impression of where a father should spend his time but I might as well normalize it.
It doesn’t have to be awkward.
My unexamined stressful thought:
I have a lot to do this week and he’s bailing on me. 
He should be communicative right now because Christmas is just a few days away. 
The truth I found:
This isn’t about me. He’s stressed, too. How can I best take care of myself? Calendar when he DOES get here, figure out the best way to spend what time I have. KNOW that I have plenty of time to get ready for Christmas because all I really need to get ready is to get my heart in a good place. 

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