getting to ‘go bigger’

The weekend went smoothly. I stayed grounded, clear. I focused on my own process and on being present and kind to the boys.
Ending Saturday in meditation with lovely humans in a beautiful space helped me feel calm and safe. I spent plenty of time Sunday creating a cozy spot for myself on a small couch on the in the family room, where I started two books: Gay Hendricks’ Learning to Love Yourself and Mary and Ronald Hulnick’s Loyalty to Your Soul.
R was around most of the time. Our communication was boundaried, friendly, calm. It also got deep. He seemed surprisingly interested in Saturday’s meditation experience and in what I’m up to with my personal development, in general. I told him a bit about the soul work and about my intentions of studying spiritual psychology, soul memory, etc…
He’s been interested in spiritual, alternative realms for a while now  but his level of interest surprised me. I’ve been introducing him to spiritual stuff  since we met in the mid nineties when I was living in a conscious, spirit focused community in Durango. He’s typically been more interested in what he finds on his own than whatever I come up with.
So I answered his questions and often reminded myself to stick to the truth of things; to stay focused. To detach.
He had a lot to say about his enthusiasm for the spiritual path I seem to be on.  and how he thinks more and more people are on a spiritual path, that we’re all in this together, yada yada….
I’m conflicted about this because, as good as it could ultimately be to have R on board with and- for now- financially supportive of my spiritual development, i still find myself fearing and resisting the idea that at some point he’s going to spring the toxic woman  on me.  I mind a lot less that he’s still involved with her and if he moved out next week to live with her I’m more confident than ever in my ability to adjust.
I also don’t think it’s coming anytime soon; he’s still full of talk about plans for the future.  I don’t  see ANY of it as signs of hope, like I used to. I understand that he’s just confused and scattered, as usual.
There’s also a blooming, healthy part of mySelf who KNOWS plans of more of the same with this guy is NOT a reason to be hopeful….I’m excited about what else (and- every so often sometimes even WHO else) is out there for me when I step up to a higher way of being, when I come into my own….
My concern is that, perhaps, he’s going to want to keep living together like this and then, instead of moving out, he’ll try to let the worlds collide, figuring that, since I’m so “evolved” now, I’ll be open to reacquainting myself with her and her children.
I’m more interested in WHY this concerns me than the concern itself, though, so I’ll call that progress. Part of the WHY is easy enough. My gut tells me she’s entitled, desperate, aggressive, delusional in her Self perception, and enabled in her delusions by sketchy spiritual “healers.”
The other part of the WHY it concerns me is due to my own insecurity about thriving in my own right..if I was really on a path and if I was confident in it she wouldn’t worry me at all.
The good news is that I’m not as afraid of him cutting me off at her request; partly because I don’t think he would and partly because I intend to get myself into a much better financial state…I just need time to do it and my gut tells me I’ll have time.
Also, lately I’ve been protected by the idea that everything is going to work out, that all I need to do is stay focused and place myself on the right path, and the Universe will provide. I’m starting to think in terms of what I have to offer as a teacher and, perhaps, a healer.
I wish I could say this translates into confidence or a plan at this point, but I’m working on staying optimistic. I’m also working on not “working” at things so much, on not “working” my molehill sized problems into mountains of worry and fear.
Speaking of fear, I actually on some level FEAR her reentry into my life.  I fear a potential loss of my newly found Self and a potential slip off the path I’m on. I feel like she literally wants to step into my entire family with her delusions of personal power and I’m getting “hits,” for lack of a better word, that she’s got a very negative perception of me. Ironically, I feel like I’m the threat to her life.
The thing is, my gut tells me that she doesn’t have what she  thinks has going on spiritually. She’s high on ego and low on authentic depth. She’s pretty milk toast, as far as I an tell, and I don’t have time for that.
I think she’s talked to an egoic  “healer” or two and, between that and her family’s wealth,  she’s convinced herself that what SHE wants is what the collective conscious wants. I got a hit about her ego when I first met her. The first thought I had was “pushy,” but I smiled and blinked it away.
I blinked so much away.
Now I’m staring straight ahead. Mostly.
So I want to stop the fear and I want to create a protection from her that will ultimately prevent her from ever entering my life in a significant way, even if she ends up with R for the long haul.
I guess this is where boundaries come in.
Perhaps the thing to do is what I’m already dong, to become so rock solid in my focus, so sure of my path, that she becomes irrelevant. Already, even the fear is almost more of a fear of mosquitoes…more of an annoyance…a repulsion. I want to find a way to bless this situation. I’ve been listening to Caroline Myss again…she mentions the importance of finding a way to come to terms with, to “bless” situations because it will visit our biological systems if we don’t.
I guess I need to rise so high on my own path, to stay so far out of pettiness and all those other small ways of being, that I bless her from a distance. And I don’t have to hurry to that place. Plenty to do.
Note to Self: for now, to just let it all go. Give it up to my Higher Power. Surrender Self. Go Bigger. Envision.

giving up my ticket

12.1.15 morning pages
“Our soul is like a soft and gentle flower, it needs to be nurtured, cared for, tended to, with sufficient sunlight, fresh air and freedom to bloom into its most precious and beautiful form. This, my friend, is self-love.”
― Miya Yamanouchi
How will you nurture your soul today?
If R comes home in time I’ll go for an early morning walk. I’m sitting in the sunlight now. I can feel its warmth on my head and shoulders and see its golden glow on my hair.
How will you honor your freedom?
Freedom from R’s business, for starters. I’ve given myself that. I’ve given up my ticket to the R show and he knows it. I’ve told him so and I’ve proven it by snuffing out his drama with a commitment to total non-reaction. I’ve claimed and honored my freedom from hearing about his grandiose escapades, his relationship kerflufles, and, ultimately, his drama laden fall from grace with a small minded, entitled, whiny woman who’s decided that their union is so powerful, so in line with the collective consciousness that they can deceive and betray their current partners and prematurely engage their respective children as part of their courting.
I’m free of her. I’m free of both of them. I’ve successfully stepped out of the show. I hear nothing about her or his dealings with her, professional or otherwise. It’s awkward and uncomfortable at times around the house but there’s a lot more truth in the awkwardness than in the pseudo-relationship we had going for far too long. This is where I am now. I hope it lasts. It’s a good starting point, a jumping off point for bigger, better things. For more freedom.